Trust, Ryan Reynolds, Porn Logic and the Facebook Mommies

I am involved in a lot of online Facebook mommy groups, which I have a love/hate relationship with.  These groups can be both amazing places  of friendship, camaraderie and information or horrible, demoralizing shitholes of doubt, pity, anger and fear.   I have come to the conclusion that no matter what somebody posts, there will ALWAYS be a dissenter (or many) within the group, and these keyboard warriors have LOTS to say.
"it's a beautiful day!" "what are you, fucked? It's way too hot/cold/wet/blue/clear/dirty/fuckedup.."

Recently, in one of my groups, a woman was posting that she would be extremely uncomfortable with her husband being alone with another woman in their house, and not allow it. This made me so sad.  Not just because of this statement and all that it implies, but also because of all the people who were agreeing with her.  Some even went on to say they would not be ok with their husband having a female friend, (and vice versa - husband not ok with the wife having a male friend).  I just don't get this.  To me it just  SCREAMS of insecurity.  Either you trust your spouse or you don't.  It's that simple. And if you DON'T trust your spouse, that's a whole other kettle of fish!

I just don't get this shit.  If you can't trust your spouse why are you with them? Isn't the foundation of a relationship all about the trust?  Trust issues are usually brought about by people who have honesty issues.  My friend Teresa says about these women "She is not relationship material. At all. She has underlying issues that she's brought into the relationship. Insecure people really are not marriage, common law or roommate ready".  I can't say I disagree.  And this goes for both men and women.

Not only does it not speak well of your relationship if you can't trust your dude to not bang somebody just because they are alone with a woman, it paints a whole Jezebel vibe about every woman being so uncontrollable that they can't wait to jump on your man.  Seriously, just because a man and a woman are alone doesn't mean "cue porn music, bow chicka wow wow!"

These men also can't think much of their women if they believe that a male friend doing a weenie wag is going to cause their wife to dramatically (and immediately) spread their legs and scream "Take me now!"  Proximity to a vagina isn't going to make him cheat, just as my being around someone with a penis isn't going to make me Little Miss Roundheels. Unless it's like...Ryan Reynolds or something.  That's a different story, and my husband understands! (Kidding.  Really).

A,B,C,D,E,F,Geeeeeeeeeeeee you are quite delicious.

If somebody is going to cheat, they are going to find a way to do it.  Policing them will not get you the desired effect, nor will it be real fidelity or trust, because as soon as they have the opportunity, they will take it.   People who are happy, fulfilled and respected with themselves and in their relationship do not cheat.  While there may be the oddball who fits this mold and still cheats, I think it is generally rare.

I haven't even touched on the idea of LETTING your husband be friends with a woman.  Or do anything.  Who are you to ALLOW or NOT ALLOW another adult to do something? You are not their mother, their keeper or their jailer.  You are their friend, spouse and love.  I would not let anybody dictate to me what I can or cannot do. I would expect that if my husband had an issue with something, he would DISCUSS IT with me LIKE AN ADULT.

I've had a number of people ask me why this bothers me so much..  They say that if somebody is happy with the dynamic in their relationship, who am I to judge?  Of course, who AM I to judge this, or anything else? It's a good question, and I have been analyzing my feelings about this.  I think it bothers me so much because of the misogyny from both women AND men, and the stereotyping of women as whores and men as studs.  It is further slut shaming.  It ALSO bothers me because these relationships are built on a foundation of mistrust and the feeling of ownership.

I guess I am a slut.  

What are YOUR thoughts on this? I am happy to continue to discuss this like the mature adults we profess to be.  Drop me a line at themanagementdfh@gmail.com

Motivation - How to Move Your Ass to Get Shit Done

Motivation.

What gets you moving?  We all need to figure out our own brand of motivation.  It is a tricky thing, getting motivated. Often we start off gung ho, but peter out very quickly.  How do YOU get AND STAY motivated?  That is one of those ultimate questions to the meaning of life, the universe and everything. Eventually one gets to a point in their life where it is easier to change than to stay with the status quo.  It's that defining moment where you put DOWN the cookie, and drop to the floor and do a push up.  Or try to.  When you are just so disgusted with the size of your ass that you are motivated to get off it, and tell it that you are done, professionally.  It is easier to look like an idiot at the gym, than to park your butt on the couch and watch another episode of "Real Housewives of North Sawckmeighkoch".

I really and truly mean it

Motivation isn't just for going to the gym or eating right. It is for EVERYTHING you do.  My mother always said to me that if you want something done, ask a busy person.  And it's true.  I get more done when I am busy, and less done when I am not.  I know myself. I am inherently a lazy person, so in order for me to allow myself to be lazy, I have to get my shit done ASAP, other wise I just feel guilty and that RUINS my laziness.  I mean, if you can't ENJOY the laziness, what good is it?? 

MY tricks for staying motivated are as follows:

1. Deadlines work.  Nothing motivates me like knowing I have a time limit that something has to get done.

2. An assignment: I work great when there are parameters to what ever task I have, even if the parameters are minimal.  When I was in high school art class, the teacher would give an assignment like.... show me "tension" - this was an actual project- and I could use my imagination in anyway I saw fit.  This is what I came up with:

Drawn from a sleeve from a Rough Trade Album back in ~1988

3. Having people count on you.  If you know that others are relying on your to get shit done, you are more likely to do it.

Every. Fucking. Night.

4. Accountability.  This is different than having people rely on you.  This is being ANSWERABLE to someone. Last year I joined a 30 day HIT challenge with The Betty Rocker (which, by the way, was AWESOME -I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS).  I started a facebook group called The Betty (C)Rocker Challenge with about 30 other women.  It was AMAZING.  Being held accountable to them, even if it was only in my own mind, really helped.  I rocked my Betty EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And FitBit! That keeps my ass moving.  By hook or by crook I get my 10,000 steps every day.  I have kept it up for several years now (with time off for broken bones). I have a group of amazing women that I regularly walk with, and Alan and I walk daily, too.  What's really nice about our daily walks is that  we a) are keeping fit and b) the dog gets lots of exercise and c) we talk.  It's like a mini date every single day.  Walk time is the time we talk about the challenges of the day, or the challenges of our people or our plans for the future.

So these are my tricks for keeping motivated.  They work for me, and maybe they will help you.  Next week I am joining a new pilot program for business accountability. One of my free people world  tribesmates, Denise Riley, with her company Core Empowerment, is launching a 60 day MOTIVATION AND ACCOUNTABILITY challenge for $200.  Website to follow. I am involved in the 30 day pilot program.

If you choose to accept this challenge, (which I am), here is what you can expect:

1. You will be matched with a partner that you will hold accountable, and they, in turn will hold you accountable.

2. Monday through Friday you will check in with your partner via your choice (text, email, phone, online chat) 

3. Each weekday, you will set your 3 Goals (Watch out, they may change during the game as you grow.) Each day (M-F) you will commit to completing what you said you would do... the minimum requirement is 1 goal in each category. (Happiness, Being Healthy & Abundance) ***NOTE you can do more than 3 goals, but once you say you will do it, you are committed. There will be more on this later if you choose to play.

4. One day per week there is a 1 hour meeting. I have professionals that will be teaching the hour class for the week, and it will be centered on 1 of the 3 areas of focus. (Happiness, Being Healthy, or Abundance)  *** These meetings will be recorded, however points are only given if you check in during the meeting.

5. There are individual prizes and partner prizes based upon both of you keeping your daily commitments to one another.

6. During this game, you will accomplish more than you can imagine!  I am most excited for your accomplishments and seeing you thrive through this 30-days.

I'm really looking forward to this. I need that extra push to get our new business off the ground.  Sometimes, in order for opportunity to knock, you have to beat the door down.  One of my favourite quotes is  "The elevator to success is out of order.  You'll have to use the stairs.  One step at a time." -Joe Girard.  At least I have my FitBit on to count those steps.

Readiness to Change: A Work In Progress

Change seem to go one of two ways.  Either it is super welcome, or viewed with a huge amount of suspicion and/or fear.

Me. Me, me, me, ME.

The big question seems to be: who would I BE if I changed? I see myself a certain way.  A huge part of my identity is that I see myself as "the one who gets shit done".  If I changed, what would that MEAN to WHO I AM?
Who am I if I am not HER?

BUT DOES IT REALLY CONTINUE TO SPIN?

One of my life coaches said to me "what would happen if you WERE'NT the one who "got shit done"? Would the world end?"  And of course the answer was NO.  The world wouldn't end if I didn't get shit done.  Either somebody else would pick up the slack or shit wouldn't get done. The world would continue spinning just as it is supposed to.

When you change your idea of who you are supposed to be, it allows for growth.  Not just yours, but for those around you.  Initially, your change can be awkward.  For both you and your people.

But.

By allowing other people to "get shit done" for themselves, it gives THEM an opportunity to grow, to expand their horizons, or to feel competent.  You allow THEIR energy to expand.  It is always possible they won't like it, but that is not your problem.  You cannot own other people's shit.

But I don't wanna! 

So who am I if I am not here to get shit done?  (There is no saying that I can't still DO stuff.  I can just be a little pickier about the stuff I DO do. I don't need to do everyone else's stuff.  I can allow THEM to own that.)

If I am not "THE ONE WHO GETS SHIT DONE" then who am I? Who can I be? The beauty part is I can be anybody I want to be!

I have worked out a handy dandy short little guide to help in figuring this shit out.

WHO AM I

1. Know yourself: Create a list of adjectives to describe yourself.

You're goddamn right I am! 

MY LIST: smart, funny, crazy, sensitive, tough, hard worker, adaptable, capable, compassionate, adventurous, assertive, awesome, cantankerous, cautious, condescending, grouchy, guarded, emotional, energetic, punctual, prudent, positive, suspicious, well intentioned, introspective, lazy, helpful, maternal, loving, bitchy, enthusiastic and cynical.

2. Accept and recognize that your list is always growing and changing.  What is true today is not necessarily true tomorrow.  Accept and recognize that you may be both sides of a coin.  You can be hardworking AND lazy. Nice AND bitchy.  Nobody is any one thing.  We are all works in progress.  Lord knows I can be the biggest bitch when I want to be, but I can also be the nicest.

3. Create a list of who you want to be, and a dream board of WHAT YOU WANT IN  YOUR LIFE IN YOUR FUTURE.  Alan and I created ours two weeks ago.  It sits on the wall in our office, and we periodically add to it. No, I am not going to share a picture of it here, because that is a little bit more personal sharing than I want to do, at least at the moment. Either way, WORK TOWARDS THOSE THINGS YOU WANT.  Even if it is babysteps.  There is no time limit to this. As Alan said to me today, you might take one step back to take two steps forward.

I am a work in progress.  Always.  Key word: PROGRESS

4. Create a list of things that you enjoy doing.
MY LIST: I like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.  Well, not really.  Makes my hair frizz.

yes this is really me and my hair.

Ok, so really, in no particular order:
Painting, eating, cooking, walking, spending time with friends, reading, facebook, writing, reno, sleeping, dreaming, travel, being creative in general (which takes  a lot of forms), singing (not that I do it well, but what the hell. I still sing), gymnastics, yoga, making people laugh, martial arts, facebook, animals, baking, being outdoors. Did I mention Facebook? That's about all I can think of, off the top of my head.

4. Try and expand your horizons by doing SOMETHING that encompasses the things that you love that will enable you to grow.  See if you can't broaden your list of adjectives about yourself.  One of my plans is to take a writing course.  I really enjoy writing, and am definitely trying to grow by writing. Sharing PERSONAL stuff is extremely difficult for me, and I am completely stepping outside of my comfort zone by sharing.  I watch other people do it, and it seems so easy.  BELIEVE ME when I say it's not.  It's fucking hard.  

5. Keep working at it. Nobody gets better overnight.  You have to practice.

Society has conditioned us to think that being LIKED is important.  It's not.  Being RESPECTED is much more important.  What is MOST important though, is respecting OURSELVES.    By working on my own personal growth, I feel like I am respecting myself more.  I am trying to figure out who I really am, by my own definitions and not by what OTHER people think of me.

I am a work in progress.

Back to Real Life - A Management Guide in 5 Not-So-Easy Steps!

Settling into real life is always a challenge when you return from something so profound that it changed you... and the people you are with in your every day life didn't experience what YOU experienced.

A few years ago I went with the JWRP (Jewish Women's Renaissance Project) on one of those kinds of trip to Israel. I came home swimming with new ideas and beautiful thoughts that I wanted to share with Alan.  He wasn't exactly in the same headspace as me, and pretty well just patted me on the head and said "that's nice, dear".  It wasn't until a year later when he went on the men's version of this trip that he was finally in the same place mentally.  I remember the day he called me, half way through his trip, and he said to me "I GET IT".  It was really an amazing moment for us both, as individuals, and as a couple.

Finally the same headspace, different continents. Thank God for Facetime!

This time though, we did our Free People World trip together.  Alan and I have a very strong relationship.  We really LIKE one another, and love spending time together.  We have worked hard to get to this place, and we work hard to maintain it.  This trip really allowed us to grow together and individually, at the same time.

Our kids were NOT with us on this trip, and mostly roll their eyes at us whenever we try to do anything that they consider "hippy dippy bullshit".  And it's ALL hippy dippy bullshit to them .  Teenagers.  AMIRIGHT?!

Don't take eye rolling as an insult.  At least you know they are listening.  Ish.  

So, to reintegrate ourselves back into society and with those  who have NOT had the life changing epiphanies that we have had, one must figure out a way to deal with people without losing your zen, losing your shit or losing your mind.

1. Realize they aren't where you are and that's OK. They don't HAVE to be where you are.  Maybe they will get it, maybe they won't.  It's not YOUR responsibility to MAKE THEM SEE IT.  The more you try and force it, the more they will resist.  And my kids are fucking BRILLIANT resisters.

2. Take it slow but show the way. If you start utilizing the techniques you learned, just yourself, eventually they will notice that you are not reacting the same way to them and their attitudes.   Like Jack Sparrow said, "The problem isn't the problem.  The problem is your ATTITUDE about the problem.  And he's right.  It's all in the way we think about it.

3. Relax. Don't try to force things.  You aren't going to be this zen mama all the time.  You WILL screw up and you WILL lose your shit sometimes.  Remember that you are divinely human and fabulously flawed, as unYogi Stephanie Lewis has said to me many, many MANY times.  It's an important lesson.

4. Keep plugging away at it. If (when) you fuck up, own that shit and move on.  You know better now.  Doesn't mean you are going to be perfect, it takes PRACTICE to bring your zen back.  Just take a few minutes to yourself, do some deep breathing and LET IT GO.  Which brings me to number 5...

Try.  We all know how fucking hard it is.  Do it anyway. 

5. Let it go.  Pretty self explanatory, no? Stop beating yourself up over a mistake. Own it.  Apologize for it  Accept it.  Move on and strive to do better next time.

Just keep plugging away at it. Keep doing things that replenish your soul.  Stop feeding your brain junk food.  And remember.. you are a WORK IN PROGRESS.

Top Ten Things I Take Away From Free People World Retreat

This month I went to an incredible and life changing retreat. I don't use those words lightly, but that really is what it was. When trying to explain it to different people, I sometimes get blocked based on what I feel their expectations of the retreat are. The easiest way for me to describe it to those who don't really jive with the "self help lifestyle" is this: It sounds a lot like hippy dippy bullshit, but it fucking WORKS. As silly as some of it sounds, it ACTUALLY WORKS. You really set your intentions out there, into the universe, into the ether, and you focus. This trip has helped me to focus my ideas and to, for lack of a better word, focus my focus.

 The whole thing came about in a truly serendipitous way. I had been following Kristy Sinsara for a number of years based on a blog post she wrote  - The top 10 Rules for Marriage. It had some how come across my news feed and it really resonated with me. Many of the things in this article were things that Alan and I did naturally, and often consciously. I often mused that I learned from other people's mistakes. The only one I didn't fully agree with was the bubble concept, so something moved me to email Kristy and discuss it with her. That was the beginning of our facebook friendship. Fast forward a couple of years and I was going to start writing for Kristy's new magazine, Level Magazine, as her food columnist. It didn't end up working out, and fast forward a couple more years. Kristy started Free People World which she was promoting on her facebook site. I had looked at it and thought it sounded great, but that I couldn't afford it. Soon after that, some kind and generous person offered to donate 3 spots for 3 deserving people. It was at that moment that I said to myself "I am going to be one of those three people". I sent Kristy an email explaining why I thought I deserved the scholarship. I also encouraged my husband Alan to apply. In my mind, I had decided that we were GOING ON THIS TRIP. That's all there was too it. We were going. And sure enough, our submissions were accepted, I booked our flight, and off we flew.

Waiting in comfort in JFK for our flight to Puerto Rico

I had spent so much time over the last year trying to figure out where exactly I wanted to be and how to get there. The way I was going about it was somewhat futile as I ended feeling like each limb was being pulled in a different direction.There was no focus. I was scattered. I suffered from analysis paralysis. I had some great ideas for a lot of different things but actually finding a path was scary and difficult. Now I feel that even if the path is there but covered in weeds I have a machete and know how to use it. Some things are a lot clearer to me, too. Even the things that aren't fully clear... I trust that I can take the next step and know the destination is out there, I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust in the trek.

facing the future together

 It's not like these are new concepts to me. Sometimes you just need to hear them over and over again, or said it a different way, for them to click within you. This was one of those times where everything seemed to click. For myself and the other 27 people on the trip. That can't be a coincidence. Each one of us walked away from this retreat feeling as though we had some massive resolution within ourselves to plunge forward and JUST FUCKING DO IT, whatever IT was.

Living with somebody who really is a creative genius and thinks outside of the box has a lot of challenges but also gives so many gifts that by FAR outweigh any negatives. Even when I totally don't get what he is thinking and he drives me insane. Whenever I am describing to somebody how we each solve problems I put it to them like this: I go from point A to point B. Alan goes from point A to point Q to #7 to the colour purple to point B. It's just how his mind works. The thing that sometimes kills me is when he gets to point B quicker than I do. I don't freaking understand it. At all; but now I marvel at it, and try and see his reasoning. What shocks me is often how much sense it makes, in a bizarre way. I use it as an opportunity to grow and expand my horizons.

 A perfect example of Alan's creative geniosity is the pic above, of us at JFK. Our flight left Toronto at 6a.m, which meant we had to be up at 3a.m. Which mean we got zero sleep. We had a 5-6 hour layover en route to Puerto Rico in New York. Alan thought it would be a GREAT idea to bring our blow up vaginas (that's what we call them for lack of a better word, and C'MON, just LOOK at them!) in our carry ons. We set them up and were able to catch a COMFY 5 hours sleep during our layover. It was GLORIOUS. People kept popping by and asking us questions about them. If you are interested in buying one, let me know and I will point you in the right direction. Whatever you do, do NOT google "blow up vagina". Also, don't buy one in pink. That would just be wrong).

ANYWAY...We are implementing some of the things we learned and the feelings we carried back into our daily life. Every morning we are getting up early and meditating. We are doing yoga. We are working one step at a time towards our future and seeking abundance.

learning social media marketing from Kristy in the Caribbean Sea. 

 One of the biggest things I learned from this trip to was to let go of the idea of who I think I am. I have always seen myself as the person who DOES WHAT NEEDS TO GET DONE. It was a big part of my identity and my pride. One of the life coaches, Julia Junkin, said to me "What would happen if you DIDN'T do what needed to get done? Would the world end?" and of course the answer was "No, of course not." The world will continue spinning and shit gets done without me. This particular task, whatever it may be, would either get done or it wouldn't, but the world wouldn't end. What it *might* do though, is allow another person to feel a sense of accomplishment, to be the one who "gets shit done". It could let them believe in themselves and that they are worthy and capable human beings. This is something that we as parents do all the time to our children. "Don't worry honey, I've got it." We rob our kids of learning how to GET SHIT DONE because we do it for them. We reinforce their quiet believe that they CAN'T DO THIS and that THEY ARE NOT CAPABLE. By getting shit done that they could do we ROB them of their energy, their capability, and THEIR BELIEF IN THEMSELVES. We don't just do this with kids, we do it with LOTS of people. Our siblings. Our bosses. Our employees. Our parents. Our friends. SO.

Here is what I have taken away from Free People World. My top 10 list.
1. Gratitude is ALWAYS the attitude. The more you give thanks for, the more you HAVE to give thanks for.

 2. Hippy Dippy Bullshit WORKS if you just open your mind to it and BELIEVE.

 3. I don't have to always be the one who gets shit done. I CAN let others do it.

 4. I don't have to own other people's shit, nor do I want to. I can mindfully RETURN TO SENDER and just think to myself "not my bag of tarantulas, not my jungle".

Please and thanks! 

5. Analysis paralysis is ridiculous. What is there to be afraid of, honestly? If I make a mistake the world will not end. If I fuck up, I fuck up. I will have just found a new way NOT to do something, which makes me one step closer to reaching my goal. Like Thomas Edison said: “I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.” I can just knock one of those off my list and learn from it. Even if it costs me a few bucks. It's just money. You can ALWAYS make more money.

 6. Bioluminescence is a magical, magical thing. We swam in the bioluminescent water and it was like swimming in a galaxy that surrounded you and held you afloat.

Found this photo on https://www.myvacationpages.com/details/bio-island

7. Set your intentions every day. If you feel strong and centered, NOBODY can take that away from you.

8. Coconut mojitos are fucking DELICIOUS.

9. People are ALWAYS going to judge you. You can't help that. PEOPLE WILL JUDGE YOU. It's is what they DO. If they are going to judge you, they may as well judge the REAL you. I don't give a shit what people think of me, generally speaking. I think I am an awesome and funny person.

had to include this as somebody has made a cartoon of ME

10. Everybody is going through some internal battle. EVERYONE. Every. Single Person you meet is going through something that has shaped them and caused them to behave the way they do, whether it be good or bad. Just remember rule #4, and strive for kindness.

 If you have ever felt broken, or in need of a mental tune up, this retreat is for you. You just have to BELIEVE.

Our new Tribe          

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